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Sunday, February 8th, 2009
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1:41 pm - suddenly we're not so young.
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ive just spent the last hour or so reading over most of my entries. and it suddenly occurred to me that i lost myself here. this place is the only one that i have been completely and brutally honest with myself. my emotions i splattered over my entries are real.
i cant remember the last time i wrote a legitimate poem.
actually, i just found it in one of my drawers.
4/29/08.
i am ashamed.
on the college front, my official list is as follows: middlebury, emerson, vassar, bennington, uvm, rhodes, smidmore, and smith.
i have yet to hear back from any of them. looks like my week of april first will be spent in a tent outside my mailbox.
he texted me last week. a week from today, actually.
i has been over a year since we last spoke. naturally, i was so ecstatic by his "how have you been?" until i realized i had absolutely no idea what to say. our conversation, or lackthereof, consisted of "hows school? whats been going on? what about college?"
thats it. no sparks, no revelations.
the mystery is gone.
what i have yearned for for too long came and i dont want it now.
if anything else, i suppose that makes everything much less complicated?
the time has come for me to write my senior speech. after much musing, i still have no idea what i want to talk about.
any ideas?
ive been sifting through these entries to find something, as a matter of fact.
it feels good to talk to you again.
current mood: contemplative
current music: "Hello, Goodbye" by the Beatles
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| Monday, September 22nd, 2008
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4:43 pm - "The same night that whitens the trees. We, we who were, we are the same no longer."
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-adam wright
in the midst of the storm of what i should and shouldnt be doing, the responsibilities, and lackthereof, of my life at the moment, i have had a pressing fear of not writing down every thought that comes into my head. because i know that if i dont, the topic or emotion will never appear as real to me. so now i live with the fear or forgetting, as well as remembering. of keeping all my thoughts in one place, so i can access them whenever i need or want to.
what do i do?
on a different note, i was driving home from school and the thought occurred to me to delete my myspace (i haven't been that dedicated to it for a while now). over four years of conversations, evaluations, friendships and acquaintances, secrets, memories, and photographs...gone.
i read through my old messages in my inbox of dead pasts. and i took one last look of the shadow of what i used to treasure. then the delete button.
i hope it's a while before this becomes one of them.
i guess im getting a head start on tying up loose ends and moving on?
i attribute this new mindset to The Perks of Being A Wallflower that i am currently reading.
more on this later.
sorry for the momentary response... :/
i have a lot to say.
just...later.
current mood: pensive
current music: "Worn Me Down" by Rachael Yamagata
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| Sunday, August 17th, 2008
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6:15 pm - your time's gonna come.
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so im the worst at livejournal committment.
enough of the silence:
already through week oneish of senior year.
can you believe it?
i spent the majority of the afternoon looking through shoe boxes full of family albums and baby pictures for the yearbook with my mom. im not sure if it was the mixture of seeing myself when i was little, or the pictures from ballet, or with my dad, but it put me in a really bad mood for some reason. i guess it was the typical "wish you were young again" sentiment, a wish to return to the age of innocence and childish ignorance. not to mention the dislike for material attachments and unnecessarily high expectations of people. and to make the situation worse, my mom couldnt remember the majority of what the photos were taken of. she mistook myself for a classmate, she didnt recognize some of my closest friends, or the occasions during which the photos were taken. my favorite, though, was the point when my she was convinced that i was born in january of 1990. she kept calculating aloud how old i was in the photos with the dates on the sides of the prints. i thought she had made a mistake at first, but she was off by a year every time. so i actually had to convince her that i was indeed born in 1991. im not sure what to make of that...
on another note, i have already fallen into my old habits that i acquired by the end of the last school year. im procrastinating already, although now i have a free period so i can procrastinate even more. great. it feels like we didnt even have a summer break this way :/
by let me say that life is so much sweeter without history or science classes ;)
a resolution i have made for this school year is to go to more yoga classes, which ive been successful with thus far (*knock on wood*). the studio i go to expanded, so they have a beautiful new house next door with a huge open room that i took class in last week. it will become my new haven, my excuse to not get ahead in applying to colleges or the various other senior responsibilities. oh well. i suppose thats what its for? :p
speaking of seniordom, i never thought id actually get respect from underclassmen. but it feels like everyone has a slight air of appreciation for us. for instance, brandon was in line for the water fountain, but the freshmen parted ways like the red sea so that she could go to the front of the line. amazing.
also, im giving my speech on the last day for senior speeches. i like the pressure for a change. im just worried because i have so many ideas bouncing around in my head and im not sure which one to pick yet. oh well, theres a lot of time for that.
if everything goes according to plan and i do actually end up writing a collection of non-fiction short stories about my life, this i will undoubtedly include:
it was week three of the art program i went to that summer, a friday. our photo assignment was dealing with playing with focus, aperture, and silouhetting. so our teacher, not knowing what else to do, designated the entire class for shooting. so i went with two guys from my class to a graffiti wall about two miles from campus that was conveniently located on the other side of a set of train tracks. so, as the day before, we started shooting on the tracks. our camera equipment was strewn all over the place. and i had laid down on the tracks to take a silouette shot until we heard in the vague distance a trains whistle. i got up and turned around to see a train rapidly approaching me. we grabbed all of our bags and tossed them frantically out of the way and then dove towards the gravel just in time before the train zoomed past us. i swear, one minute it was about 200 yards away, and the next it was about to run us over...literally. the conductor then shouted some profanities at us. after some calm breaths and nervous laughs, we shook off the fear the we couldve died. until a mere few minutes later, three cop cars show up. the train company had called the station to complain about having to brake the train for us. so the cops took our ids and told us, inbetween very crude and much unnecessary language, that they were arresting us. that was the moement when my heart stopped. one cop copied our information from our licenses while another arrogantly explained that we had trespassed private property and that we shouldnt have been photographing the graffiti wall in the first place because 'it wasnt art, it was vandalism,' were his exact words. incredible.
finally the third cop, after a quick pow-wow with the other two, convinced them to let us go. but they didnt refrain from stating that if the train company wasnt happy with their decision, they would arrest us at the colleges dorms and take us to court. and that we would need to get an attorney. UNBELIEVABLE.
it wasnt until a good four hours after i was unnumbed by the incident that i realized how full of shit cops are. yet they have the power to make you feel like your life is ending...fascinating.
montserrat was, in short, an incredible experience. sure, a LOT happened that i hadnt bargained for, nor had i wanted to bargain for, but it happened nonetheless. and i learned something every day. sure, in the classes i took, but more in the friendships and conversations i had with people. most importantly, i came to the unfortunate realization that i wouldnt be able to make it at a purely artistic college. interestingly enough, the homework and assignments were more stressful than the ridiculous workload at st marys. and i noticed that once i had not only restrictions on specific projects i had, but a short time slot in which to do tem before they were due, a lot of the freedom and fun was sucked out of it. for me (drawing especially), i start a piece when i feel inspired and i finish it when i finish it. even if it takes over a year. i go by my own watch. so if i were to spend 4 years completing project after project on topics i wasnt all that crazy about to begin with, each in a period of two hours max, i wouldnt be enjoying myself. plus, i wouldnt be able to have an academically rigorous schedule, which i actually want. so i could take physics and womens studies instead of just the required english and art history at a typical art school.
on a more social level, i realized the importance of communication and trust that comes with separation. i also learned to live in the moment, just talking and being with people as they came a went in my life that month.
aside from my favorite classes (foundation drawing and graphic design), i enjoyed jamming. the assistant director of the summer program brought in his drumset that i frequented every day. i actually went with another student to weld the poles for the toms. i was pretty proud of that :D i learned how to listen to other players musically and meld together to form one sound. jeremiah, one of the guys' ra's, and i played for usually more than an hour every day after classes and i still treasure that time more than anything pretty much everything else from this summer.
well enough for now. i suppose i should start my homework?
current mood: anxious
current music: "Lesson Learned" by Ray LaMontagne
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| Sunday, June 29th, 2008
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2:29 pm - a reluctant farewell
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im leaving tomorrow.
heres the address for the program, in case you want to write :)
Montserrat College of Art
23 Essex Street
Beverly, MA 01915
i suppose you put my name somewhere in that address. we were never given a specific address; this ones all i have. so yeah.
last night was incredible. if i could bold and underline "incredible" at the same time, i would. but sadly, my livejournal skills are limited...
kudos to matt and i spending 25 minutes in blockbuster trying to find the perfect scary movie and finally agreeing on the ninth gate.
and we went back to the house, started to movie, and didnt even finish the first scene.
and then we fell asleep on the couch for about 3 hours.
thats how we roll :D and it was the best three hours of my life.
im going to miss everyone terribly. especially him :(
write me?
current mood: anxious
current music: "Such Great Heights" by Iron and Wine
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| Saturday, June 28th, 2008
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12:16 pm - paint splatters
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my thoughts are all over the place in this entry, in particular...
so i leave for the montserrat pre-college program monday, but for some unexplainable reason, i dont want to go.
well, i could list a few reasons: i have yet to completely finish one summer reading book (Poisonwood Bible). i quite frankly want to be in memphis for these next five weeks of the last real summer of my high school career. why? i have no flippn idea. partly because i think ill miss my friends more than i actually will and vice versa.
i spent the majority of the morning packing, but it was more mechanical. not thinking of what will become of the friendships i make at the program or what will become of my artwork. just packing what i think ill need.
why cant i ever be fully and completely into something anymore?
on a completely different note, it feels like im waiting for july 1st when the new common app and college supplements are updated for this year. i feel like such a dork.
ever since i was remotely aware of the college essay topics, ive always wondered if i should mention my dad in one of them. i was actually straying away from that topic, considering it would be too easy to unintentionally come across as self-pitying and vulnerable. which is the opposite of how i want to sound. until mrs ray approached me about it during the three day college essay writing class at st marys. she stated that i have "the story," and that although she didnt have an answer for me, she thought i could find an introspective and not completely emotional angle at which to approach it. and ever since she gave me that hope, ive been obsessing over it. never actually writing anything down, but mulling over the different ways i could approach it; what kind of story i could craft. i spent an hour and a half at dr lee's yesterday talking about this. and despite his sound ideas and good advice, i know that ultimately i have to write my own way. because after all, i know best. and that was not intended to sound snooty in any way; i just feel that if i went along with his idea or someone elses, it wouldnt be mine. it would belong to someone else, and i wouldnt be able to fully expose my emotions for the mere 500 word essay. so for now, im brainstorming ways to approach it. and like i said to dr lee, its more than a college essay at this point. its an indicator of where i was, how i changed as a result, both positively and negatively, and where i am now. and as hard as it is to believe, i havent really analyzed the entire situation before. i dont know why i havent, but i havent been thinking about it at all lately. and im disappointed in myself for that. so this essay is not only forcing me to recall those feelings and thoughts, but tie together what ive learned and how ive altered my opinions and characteristics (namely cynicism). so im looking forward to what ill say. im fascinated with my brain and its ability in times like these. its like im dealing with another person: i dont have the faintest idea what the final product with be, but i know it will come to me when i start writing.
note to self: purchase Existential Psychotherapy.
ive been reading nearly all of the works of augusten burroughs this summer and he has further inspired me to make writing my career. a lot like sculpture or painting, you start with literally and absolutely nothing, and usually without a wholly clear perception of where it will go. but the "after" picture and the ability to actually get there is highly seductive and invigorating for me. so who knows. i can definitely see myself living in a small apartment/house in vermont sitting by the fire in the winter in a comfy chair with an oversized sweater and big cup of cocoa, writing all night long. and i would definitely be ok with that.
for some reason ive been slacking in every area. sure, its summer. but i feel like ive suddenly become self-destructive. i havent been to yoga in a couple weeks, i havent done anything of grave importance. in comparison to all my other friends, i feel like a lazy bum. some are painting their familys garage, installing cable, working on projects. what am i doing that i can stand for? sleeping. and not even a lot of that.
so im in that place again. that place where dating becomes a relatively serious relationship to the point where you blow off friends to hang out with that person. and i hated myself for that when that happened with john. yet its happening again, but this time its not even serious. ive let one facet of the relationship overpower the intellectual facet, and quite frankly, it feels backwards. as it should be. but i know myself, and i know ill complain and talk through it and recognize that its wrong, as i already have, but i wont do anything about it. because i have no problem talking to close friends about it, but when it comes down to it, im not at the point where i can say anything to this person. which is more than enough reason to not be doing what im doing. which, like i said, i realize.
all im doing is hurting myself. im cheating myself because i know what a relationship is and what it could be. but im not trying to get to that point because (this sounds horrible) i dont think this person is capable of that, considering he said he is virtually emotionless. so why am i dating this person?
i have no idea.
so until i actually speak up or something else gets in the way, i will continue to fulfill what he wants and not dig for a more deep and understanding relationship. because like a friend said yesterday "i dont try hard enough." and yes, its true.
in a warped area of my brain, i think that this type of misery is enjoyable. but when it comes down to it, im just disappointing myself rather than anyone else.
current mood: confused
current music: "You're Pretty Good Looking (For A Girl)" by The White Stripes
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| Monday, June 23rd, 2008
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6:05 pm - thats it.
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i am completely incapable of writing a personal essay.
great, lets just forget college.
i can be funny when i dont try. but im trying now, and i just come across as a prude.
then i try to be serious, and i get convoluted.
gotta love writers block when you need it least.
current music: "Help!" by The Beatles
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| Sunday, June 15th, 2008
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12:24 pm - near death
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by tree.
i was driving home from coffee this morning with my mom down shady grove. times like these, you understand why theres such thing as a speed limit.
anyways, the next thing i know, an entire tree is silently and gracefully falling from the sky across the entire width of the street. a mere seven inches from my car.
the weirdest thing about all of this? i didnt feel a thing. i recall my mom was on the verge of a heart attack. but i laughed. LAUGHED. not at my mom's reaction, but at my own: nothingness. if i had been going 40 mph instead of 35, i couldve killed my mom and myself.
what a story that would have been.
but alas, im still here. i guess i am lucky after all?
i should be more grateful about these things, thats for sure.
note to self: work on numbness to life-threatening situations.
what an interesting and ironic way to spend fathers day.
other than that, nothing monumental has happened these past few weeks of the once treasured but now overwhelmingly boring summer of "freedom." hence the massive time gap in sizeable entries.
i did, however, purchase a drumset :) finally. its invading most of the empty space in the guest room upstairs and is played quite frequently. my mom actually told me that i sounded good. now thats a step. we consider it our revenge from a certain next-door neighbor's rowdy and weekly parties. all i have to do now is open the windoms in the bedroom and rock out to "rock and roll ain't noise pollution," and the kids shut up. some of them even leave. shazaam. or 'sweet victory,' as my mom so eloquently states.
hmm. what else has happened? i owned the ACT yesterday, might i add. hopefully my score will reflect my overconfidence.
speaking of the early morning misery of obligatory standardized tests, i left in the middle of the SAT last saturday. lets just say it was a combination of cramps, dizziness, and cold sweating. so i drove home with my hazards on. that was an experience. nothing like telling your friends why you "copped out" of the SAT. lets just hope that i did well enough yesterday that i dont have to take it again. ever ;)
it has taken me too long to come to the complete realization that there is absolutely nothing to do in memphis that involves little to no cash and guaranteed entertainment. for citizens under the age of 18.
tomorrow, i am getting all wisdom teeth uprooted.
pain killers + too many raspberry smoothies + no visitors + the brat pack movies = AWESOME!
come over.
admission: one large smoothie. and no laughing at my chipmunk characteristics.
deal?
deal.
:D
current mood: numb
current music: "The Fear You Won't Fall" by Joshua Radin
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| Tuesday, June 10th, 2008
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1:41 pm - is it possible
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to die of boredom?
because im crippled by its side effects.
GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DO.
OR SOMEONE TO HANG OUT WITH.
current mood: bored
current music: "Dark Blue" by Jack's Mannequin
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| Saturday, May 31st, 2008
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8:31 pm - when i grow up,
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i want to be ironman.
seriously.
the best movie ever. im getting the soundtrack for running. because the music is so "im super badass and am on top of the world."
except technically, i cant run...
which could present a minor problem.
oh wellz. one can dream.
i have more deeply fallen in love with augusten burroughs. his sarcasm and analogies, i feel, match with mine exactly. i read his collection of short stories (all of which were true), Magical Thinking, in a day and a half, and am now onto his first novel, Sellevision.
if he weren't gay and in his early forties, i would consider marriage.
but only the borat-pamela anderson style ;)
i jest.
current mood: cranky
current music: "When The Levee Breaks" by Led Zeppelin
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| Sunday, May 25th, 2008
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4:19 pm - schools out.
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tis summer, my friends.
we survived junior year. i consider that quite a feat.
and yet i dont feel free from the constraints.
usually it takes a couple of nights out-with other people-for me to realize that we are living in our brief respite.
and thus far, there has been little company.
my favorite night of summer:
last night i was reading upstairs while my mom was out to dinner with some friends (after she raided my jewelry collection and took a necklace that john gave me as well as his ring). contemplate that one.
anyways, im reading in silence only to be disturbed by the repetitive honking of cars from a party next door. which was my cue to get dressed, grab my book, and go to borders for some quality alone time amidst 60 yr olds reading in leather chairs. a perfect night, i thought.
after nearly running over several dozen mus and hutchison sophomores in our neighborhood, i made it to the bookstore to be greeted with live music. this excited me greatly, so i settled into an armchair and silently rocked out to the musicians paul simon and cat stevens tunes while reading Magical Thinking. it was quickly beginning to be a fantabulous evening.
it was even better when i spotted a guy my age, or so i thought, looking at me at frequent intervals. since i hadnt hung out with anyone in a good 48 hrs, i soaked up the attention, let me tell you. moments like this remind me how meaningful it is for people to notice me.
65 pages and a free sampler of borders new mocha frappachino later, i decided it was time to head home and again face the noise from next door.
i noticed the guy eye me as i got up to leave. somehow instinctively, i knew to stay in the store; i guess its a primal flirtation technique that is innate in every human being. so as i pretend to look at the diet manuals, he approaches me.
mysterious guy: hey, you look really familiar. thats why i keep looking at you. whats your name?
me: elise. yeah actually, you look really familiar too. whats your name?
mysterious guy: nathan.
me: gotcha.
nathan: so where did you go to school?
me: oh, im a senior at st marys. what about you?
nathan: well i went to lausanne, then ridgeway.
*awkward silence*
nathan: so, how old are you?
me (stupidly): oh, im 17. what about you?
*he takes an automatic step backwards*
nathan: oh, im 23...
me: *laughs stupidly*
then we manage to walk out together. he asks for the time. i give it to him.
he walks away without another word.
i mutter to myself the whole way home
of COURSE the one time someone actually comes up to me and shows an interest, he has to be FLIPPN 6 years older than me.
i hate my life.
i shouldve just said age is just a number.
hey, meeting in borders is pretty romantic, i dont know about you. but reading alone and listening to a one-man concert late a night and exchanging looks of recognition before the guy stops you to talk to you is a (excuse my language) fucking good way to meet someone.
ive been trying to stop cursing. its not going so well, so far. obviously.
i guess the only solution is to frequent that bookstore more often on saturday nights alone.
on a more promising note, my mom and i have been hanging out for the majority of summer.
we saw hors de prix this afternoon, which was an incredible film. i feel smart, being able to comprehend french films without depending too much on the subtitles.
and now for the daily challenge: finding company to hang out with.
can i just say that i cant wait to leave the memphis humidity?
current mood: hot
current music: "Sound of Silence" by Simon and Garfunkel
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| Sunday, May 18th, 2008
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5:34 pm - tell me
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to study.
i watched the notebook for the first time since eighth grade.
and let me tell you, its a lot more meaningful when you can accurately relate to the emotions.
two full tissue boxes later, i went to bed.
current mood: tired
current music: "Let Her Cry" by Hootie and the Blowfish
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| Friday, May 9th, 2008
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8:49 pm - steroids
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are not good to be on when you have to shop for a class day dress.
or find a bathtub cushion for mothers day in the expansive bed bath and beyond.
i fell asleep after i came home. in my clothes again
i woke up an hour later with my ipod headphones strangling me and slober all over my pillow.
attractive? i thought so.
then i went to dinner with my mom and proceeded to rant about school until i was full-fledged crying.
stupid hormones.
now im home and dont want to work on my french project.
:/
give me some love?
current mood: complacent
current music: the sounds of my next door neighbors party
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| Thursday, May 8th, 2008
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9:28 pm - undulations
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i dont care what mme quinn says, i love that word.
i also love the end of an endless week.
monday: wake up, cant walk [due to music fest standage for 6 consecutive hours]. go to school anyways. leave to go to the doctors. get steroids, as well as a medley of other muscle relaxers. conveniently dont return to school, go to lunch. come home, decorate the belles lettres staff gifts. do homework. go to bed.
tuesday: wake up, feel fine. take a grand total of 11 pills for breakfast. get to physics class. feel nauseated and cant see the board. only dots. stumble out of the room; wait to go home. sleep in my clothes from 8:30 to 10:24. return to school for french class. stay for the rest of the day. come home. homework. re-start a friendship. sleep around three.
wednesday: wake up, sore. learn my lesson from the prior day and only take 6 pills in the morning. dizzy. go to school. announce staff at chapel :) take a french test. finish the day. wait in the madre's car for my pyschologist appointment. car windows open; hornet welcomes himself on my shoulder. i leap out of the car. he flies back in the car (we didnt get him out until this afternoon). go to appointment. eat at ciao bello with my mom. come home, do homework. welcome gelfand into the household after a "feud" with her mother. more homeowork. sleep.
thursday: wake up singing "revolution." i dont know what that means...down 5 pills. come to school. back=aching. write an english essay. get frustrated about life. take out frustration with gerard playing on the drums simultaneously with me :) learn part of "when the levee breaks." get hair chopped off :( go to dinner. go home. avoid homework. watch the office. smile when jim makes out with pam in the office. laughs histerically when michael eggs them on, which forces them to stop. oh man. my favorite show. took out the trash. still avoiding homework.
history practice exam...whaa?
kill me now.
i have to get a flippn class day dress after school tomorrow. just what i want to be doing. then home for the night to work on my french project. which im frighteningly excited about :/
come visit me?
i think that goes to show that i need a break.
oh but wait.
theres a week and a half left.
current mood: exhausted
current music: "I Will Follow You Into The Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie
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| Sunday, May 4th, 2008
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6:18 pm - start me up.
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this is surprisingly not who you think its about:
"Lonely Wanderer":
when she's alone, she wears your shirt
and sometimes i wonder how much it's worth
for you to see her again.
i don't know where you've been
but i know you've forgotten how it feels to win.
are you still where you left off?
are you walking amidst the destruction
that in her mind she has termed an interruption
from your life with her?
would you come on home if you knew tonight she is alone?
are you living in the empty house you've always wanted?
but stay awake to avoid feelnig haunted
by your memories with her?
maybe you've found a family
who's tried to show you how her life could be
without her familiarity.
what would you say if you passed her on the street?
the moment that your past and present unexpectedly meet
would you walk her home and leave her searching for her keys
or would you follow her into your old living room with ease?
i hope you know i'm your replacement
the one who holds the door shut to the basement
flooded with decaying pictures of the two of you.
she's always going to need this distraction
unless next week you're the coming attraction.
you never know. its a possibility.
last night was a much better night at music fest :) as predicted.
sunny, coldish, and clear. beautimus weather for memphis in may.
buddy guy was incredible. oh man, im so privileged i got to see him.
santana was quite impressive as well. although they played songs i didnt recognize.
i got a flippn sweet rolling stones tie-dye shirt and baker got some hippy tops.
oh, it was a good night indeed.
heres to staying up all night to compensate for the lack of work ive done friday and saturday. although i did work on my french project friday, which im proud of :)
good morning, monday.
current mood: crazy
current music: "I Shall Believe" by Sheryl Crow
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| Saturday, May 3rd, 2008
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2:15 pm - "raindrops [kept] falling on my head"
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i have never been so soaking wet in my life than last night at music fest.
i must say, my first trip to this event will be memorable, but not for the right reason sadly :/
baker, leah jalfon, and i got to music fest around 8ish. we got to the budweiser stage where ben folds was about to perform. but just our luck, the minute we forced ourselves through the crowd nearer to the stage, it begain pouring. not just sprinkling. im talking POURING. lightning and all. we spend a good amount of time under a shack-looking structure which didnt provide us much shelter.
then we gave up and trenched through the mud, going from stage to stage to see if anyone was performing. but alas, all of the instruments were covered with tarp and the musicians were nowhere in sight. after running into random people and stopping for breadsticks, we waited for the rain to let up. but oh no. at best, it would stop completely for five minutes and then begin raining harder than it had been before.
so we waited for the performers to come back on. i would have been content to even see flyleaf. and thats saying something. but no one came on stage. ben folds, keb 'mo, sheryl crow, the roots, my chemical romance. no one.
the three of us left around 10:30.
defeated, completely wet, and annoyed that we wasted time and money to see no one play.
although the stripping in the mud island parking lot was memorable ;)
oh man.
tonight shall be better.
bakers picking me up around six.
no rain in sight.
buddy guy + santana = love.
maybe ill even get a tshirt!
we're technically seniors, guys.
as of friday, we now sit in the senior pews for chapel.
hopefully take over the senior hallway next week.
and at least try to park in the senior lot...
i must say, i was the least emotional at black friday this year. thats probably because i was too focused on ripping off my jacket and chanting our '09 songs ;)
i flew out of my seat. oh man. i think i was the loudest. people started yelling at me while i was screaming "we are the champions" after chapel.
but what can i say. i couldnt control my excitement.
that was our last time to watch black friday.
can you believe it?
i keep saying that we're seniors, but it still hasnt registered.
its also my last time to play "Festival Fanfare" for Class Day. i realized that whilst playing it and teared up a tad.
this morning i volunteered at the botanical gardens for the national honors society project shinanigan. thinking i would be one of few, i went to the center to wait for other people to arrive. but oh no. i was THE only one there.
which meant two hours of weeding a japanese tree-plant with my supervisor.
it was not as bad as i was thinking though. the time went by fast because we took a break to see the baby geese :)
off to get ready to get muddy again.
and see certain teachers drunk, as i did last night :/
as well as former friends making fools of themselves.
sounds like a party!
current mood: busy
current music: "So Nice So Smart" by Kimya Dawson
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| Tuesday, April 29th, 2008
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6:22 pm - "well everyones lost, the battle is won...
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with all these things i've done."
im going to music fest!!!
oh snap. i knew this hard work would pay off.
friday: ben folds, sheryl crow, keb 'mo, and my chemical romance.
saturday: cat power, buddy guy, and santana
im going with baker friday :) ahh, i cant wait!
oh, and if anyone wants a ticket for sunday, im selling mine for 23 bucks. which is a lot cheaper than if you wait until may. so let me know soon if youre interested ;)
belles lettres was announced today. and let me tell you that lane convinced the school thoroughly that we wouldnt be having the book this year. and then we surprised them all. ba doom pshh (that was a drum)
last history test of the year: HELL.
lets just pray that term paper makes up for that one.
i love my life :D
"Spent my days with a woman unkind,
Smoked my stuff and drank all my wine.
Made up my mind to make a new start,
Going to california with an aching in my heart.
Someone told me theres a girl out there
With love in her eyes and flowers in her hair.
Took my chances on a big jet plane,
Never let them tell you that theyre all the same.
The sea was red and the sky was grey,
Wondered how tomorrow could ever follow today.
The mountains and the canyons started to tremble and shake
As the children of the sun began to awake.
Seems that the wrath of the gods
Got a punch in the nose and it started to flow;
I think I might be sinking.
Throw me a line if I reach it in time
Ill meet you up there where the path
Runs straight and high.
To find a queen without a king;
They say she plays guitar and cries and sings.
La la la la
Ride a white mare in the footsteps of dawn
Tryin to find a woman whos never, never, never been born.
Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams,
Telling myself its not as hard, hard, hard as it seems."
current mood: excited
current music: "Going To California" by Led Zeppelin
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| Thursday, April 24th, 2008
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10:27 pm - WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS
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I JUST FINISHED THE LAST HISTORY CHAPTER.
EVER
THE LAST QUIZ, THE LAST SET OF QUESTIONS.
THE LAST HISTORY BOOK I WILL EVER READ FOR THE REST OF MY CAREER AT ST. MARYS.
IM A BIT EXCITED, CANT YOU TELL.
i spent twenty-five minutes frantically and maniacally laughing/rocking out to queen.
im sure it sounded like the ceiling was caving in on itself from downstairs.
but i dont curr.
current mood: exhausted
current music: "Nobody's Fault But Mine" by Led Zeppelin
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| Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008
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7:52 pm - packaging
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where to start...
first off. i was told that ben harper is married and has two children.
there goes my chances of marrying him :(
these past several days have been a whirlwind, to say the least. im never really there. just floating with the current. things people say dont even go in one ear before leaving the other. i cant hear them. i can look them straight in the eye, but im always thinking about something else and completely miss everything they say, which is slightly disconcerning...
ive also managed to get caught inbetween an issue between two friends. and of course, the messenger gets in the most trouble. naturally. so that was fun dealing with for the past few days. but hopefully its been resolved.
thats why i relayed to dr lee this evening how much easier it would be to have no contact with people. no drama, no worrying about what to say/how to say it. just you.
then again, the lack of human contact would lose its appeal quite fast, but i think its worth looking into...
gotta love skipping most of class to tend to belles lettres conundrums. hopefully the majority of it is taken care of :/
so it looks like st marys has instituted a new rule of sending home mid-quarter reports if you get a b.
elise=grounded.
no musicfest.
no phone.
no going out on weekends until schools out.
no freedom.
no fun.
visit me in hell?
current mood: distressed
current music: "Sweet Nothing Serenade" by Ben Harper
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| Thursday, April 17th, 2008
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6:02 pm - springfest '08 ;)
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oh the words to describe today.
i forgot my bookbag this morning. how is that possible, i have no idea. but i didnt notice until i was leaving my moms car to go to work and felt the absence of excessive weight on my back.
my mom and i stared at each other for a few moments, and then she said in a very vociferous voice:
"im going to kill you!" *musilini-pounding on steering wheel ensued*
i couldnt help but smile.
only when she returned with my bookbag 45 minutes later did i realize i too forgot my springfest dress and shoes.
i try, i try.
school was school.
i have yet to experience one day this semester where i can sit down and have a real lunch without doing three assignments at once, scarfing down food, and talking to people. i prefer the latter two only. goodness.
springfest in itself was pretty anticlimactic. i had always thought it was such a huge deal for the juniors to get flowers from the seniors, but when it came to be my turn to walk in front of the entire school, i didnt feel any excitement. i dont know. the audience didnt seem so big anymore; the eyes looking at me not so intimidating anymore. i guess thats what comes with age?
hopefully i will retain this same attitude for my senior speech...though i doubt that will happen :/
the party at beccas was the beezneez. i took about 100 pictures. i remember it was just yesterday when i saw the now seniors pictures last year online. and now its our turn, or was rather. the end. our time has come, and its almost passed.
my mother just asked if i was going commando...
current mood: happy
current music: "Twenty Two Fourteen" by Album Leaf
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| Monday, April 14th, 2008
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11:13 pm - maybes
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maybe i can love you
if you leave me a note on my front steps
saying how much you need me
saying how much you want me
maybe i can love you
if you hold my hand when no one's looking
and when everyone's around
when everyone's around
maybe i can love you
if you have something to say
besides our useless conversing
do you have something to say?
maybe i can love you
if you've been there before
if you took the train and back
that way we'll know how to make it this time
i dont think i can love you
because you've got nothing to say
you won't hold my hand anyway
i dont want to stay.
im thinking of putting that to music. obviously, since they sound more like lyrics than my usual sonnetish rantings.
that could be a potential career, maybe? songwriter. record lable graphics designer on the side...
i can work with that :)
i love how i can have three-hour long conversations with friends, but i cant with the person im supposed to be talking to most.
theres nothing left to give. its pathetic.
except it would be nice if someone noticed that i was quite fond of him. like that will ever happen...
band and choir tour was the shiz! apart from woman issues. and back spasms. and reading 1984. it was quite enjoyable :)
thats the extent of my "blogging." at 11:55pm monday night.
i cant think anymore.
current mood: anxious
current music: "But Lately" by Todd Widell
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